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Barney Cam IV: "A Very Beazley Christmas"

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Barney Cam IV

(A White House holiday card opens to reveal the title, "A Very Beazley Christmas". Opening scene: A U.S. Marine standing guard outside the West Wing Lobby, one Christmas tree with on each side of the entrance decorated with whites lights glistening through the falling snow. Transition inside to Barney with White House Chief of Staff, Andy Card, in his office. Secretary Card is sitting on a couch.)

Card: Hey, Barney! Are you ready for the Holidays? It’s going to be great this year. You’ve got a new sister. Miss Beazley is terrific! She’s going to have a great holiday.

(Barney climbs up next to him.)

I’m about ready to watch the news. Do you want to watch news and see what’s going on?

(Secretary Card turns the television on.)

George Stephanopoulos: It is all about Miss Beazley at the Bush White House this Christmas. At the end of her first year with the First Family, this pretty pooch is the star in show this holiday season.

(Barney’s paw on remote control, flips through channels between clips.)

Nancy O’Dell: And coming up on Access Hollywood, Miss Beazley has taken Washington by storm. The Presidential pup tells all when we come back.

Lourdes Meluza: La señorita Beazley, un regalo de cumpleaños del Presidente a la señora Bush, pasará sus primeras Navidades en la Casa Blanca. Hay gran entusiasmo.

(Translation: Miss Beazley, a birthday present from the President to Mrs. Bush last year, will spend her first Holiday Season at the White House and everyone is looking forward to it.)

Steve Scully: Joining us LIVE here on C-SPAN from the West Wing of the White House is Miss Beazley. For those of you who support Miss Beazley, the number to call is (202) 456-1415 and for all others (202) 456-1416.

(Barney gets up and leaves in a huff.)

Card: Hey Barney, where are you going? Miss Beazley, she was terrific! What a fantastic job. Barney, where are you going?

(Barney runs through the White House looking for Miss Beazley. Along the way, he comes across Treasury Secretary John Snow in the Palm Room.)

Snow: Hey Barney, I saw your sister on television this morning. Miss Beazley is really impressive! What’s it like to have such a talented sister?

Barney: Growl!

(In Mrs. Lynne Cheney’s office, she is looking at a recent poll on an Internet news site, PupReport. Headline reads, "PUPPY POLL: Barney Numbers Down, Miss Beazley Popular". Bar chart shows Barney at 4% with Miss Beazley at 96% with +/- 4% error margin)

Mrs. Cheney: Oh Barney, have you seen the latest Presidential pet poll numbers? Not good. Your numbers are way down, but don’t worry about it. Remember polls are just a snapshot in time. That’s right. And besides, look, Miss Beazley’s numbers are way up!

(Barney finds Housing Secretary Alphonso Jackson and Agriculture Secretary Mike Johanns watching Miss Beazley on television.)

Johanns: Look at that Miss Beazley. I tell you what, she’s gorgeous.

Jackson: Unbelievable.

Johanns: Unbelievable. Look at her.

Jackson: I wonder what you think Barney thinks.

Johanns: I don’t know. Barney who? Yeah, she looks great. Boy, look at how bright-eyed she looks.

Jackson: Very attentive.

Johanns: You know, I think they dressed up that nose a little bit, too.

Jackson: Hey Barney, we were just watching Miss Beazley on television. Boy, they sure do love her.

Johanns: You know, Barney, that Miss Beazley, is she ever great. I think you could learn a thing or two from her.

(Barney growls and leaves. He continues to seek out Miss Beazley and finds her in studio, in front of a camera and lights with U.S. flag in background. Barney walks into studio, sees Commerce Secretary Carlos Gutierrez counseling Miss Beazley with briefing papers on strong economic and job growth numbers.)

Gutierrez: Miss Beazley, great job today. Listen, I have the information here that you requested. Our unemployment is declining, we’re creating a lot of jobs and you’re doing a great job, Miss Beazley. And I just wanted to let you know, your Spanish today was just perfecto!

Barney: Growl!

Gutierrez: Oh, hi Barney!

(Barney walks out angry. He happens upon a Christmas tree in the East Room and finds several presents for Miss Beazley. No gifts for Barney. He noses at some of the gifts and then gets an idea. A light bulb appears over his head.)

(Later that day, Mrs. Laura Bush walks by the Christmas tree holding Miss Beazley. She notices that all the Miss Beazley gifts are gone.)

Mrs. Bush: Miss Beazley, where are all of your presents? I know I put them under the tree earlier. Who would have moved them? Barney!

(White House Chief Usher Gary Walters finds the first gift on the floor hidden behind a curtain in the Red Room.)

Walters: Miss Beazley? What’s this box doing here? This is not part of the decorations.

(White House Horticulturist Dale Haney finds a gift under a tree by the South Portico on the South Lawn of the White House.)

Haney: Barney, did you put this gift here?

(A Secret Service uniformed officer finds a gift on the metal detector conveyer belt. The, in the White House kitchen, there is an elegantly prepared meal with Miss Beazley’s name in script on a place card in front of it. Barney has dry dog food in a plastic bowl with his name on a Post-it note in marker. White House Executive Chef Cristeta Comerford finds a gift in a mixing bowl. White House Executive Pastry Chef Thaddeus DuBois pulls out a tray of Barney and Beazley shaped cookies from a bottom shelf. Also on the tray is one of Miss Beazley’s gifts.)

(In the Oval Office, President George W. Bush talks with Barney and Miss Beazley about their behavior. He finds a gift on the floor by the desk and shows it to Barney.

President Bush: Barney, I hear you’ve been hiding Beazley’s gifts all around the White House. Uh oh, what is it we have here?

(The President then turns to Miss Beazley.)

Now, Miss Beazley, I understand you’ve been a media hound. Perhaps this is a case of sibling rivalry.

(President Bush addresses both dogs.)

Both of you are an important part of our family and you have to remember the true meaning of the holiday season. Now you two run on, I’ve got a lot of work to do!

(Looking sheepish in their chairs, Barney and Miss Beazley jump down to exit. The two run around happily together around the White House playing with ornaments, showcasing all the different rooms and decorations as they go.)

(Transition to Mrs. Bush sitting with both dogs in front of the Christmas tree in the Blue Room. Two presents are on the floor. Miss Beazley’s gift to Barney is a small soccer ball with green bow. Barney’s gift to Miss Beazley is a dog bone with a red bow.)

Mrs. Bush: Barney and Beazley, I’m really happy to see you’ve gotten into the holiday spirit. These are very thoughtful gifts for each other and I’m glad that you are thankful for the holidays.

President Bush and I wish everyone a very happy holiday.


CAST: (in alphabetical order)
Miss Beazley
President George W. Bush
Mrs. Laura Bush
Andrew Card, White House Chief of Staff
Mrs. Lynne Cheney
Cristeta Comerford, White House Executive Chef
Thaddeus DuBois, White House Executive Pastry Chef
Carlos Gutierrez, Secretary of Commerce
Dale Haney, White House Horticulturist
Alphonso Jackson, Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Mike Johanns, Secretary of Agriculture
Lourdes Meluza, Univision
Nancy O’Dell, Access Hollywood
Steve Scully, C-SPAN
John Snow, Secretary of the Treasury
George Stephanopoulos, ABC News
Gary Walters, White House Chief Usher
United States Secret Service